AUNT CAROL

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Johnny, do you have a story to share? ''Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy Troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands. ''Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. “What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story? ''Stay the f*** away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'

  
 


THE PASTOR'S ASS

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
 NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to  get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.

MYTHS & LEGENDS

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston " He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked!, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?" "Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.  I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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